She - my best friend standing next to me at the counter, already slurping Strawberries & Creme through the straw to her lips - knew it.
And she - the eating disorder that had yet to be named, recognized, battled - knew it as well.
I heard both their voices.
I heard my best friend - in her 8th grade voice (pretty much identical to mine) - say, "I'm still like that" when I told her that I wished I could order at Starbucks without thinking about the calories like when I was younger. I heard my ED that was not yet so clear say, "The Skinny Caramel Macchiato has 100 calories."
And I had to listen to one. I had to hear them both, feel them both. I took a sip of the Skinny Caramel Macchiato and realized, for the first time, that I thought about food, drinks, calories different than my friends. It would take me much longer to admit that as a problem.
If I'm truly honest with myself, I became aware of my body early on. Not as early as some accounts on Instagram that I've come across, 11 year olds who have been in the hospital twice already for anorexia, but early enough. At thirteen I can recall being upset that when I wore my purple juicy jacket (you know which one) with my white, Abercromie & Fitch flare sweats - my belly hung over. I was aware that my exposed stomach didn't look the the model's when she wore those pants. It bothered me.
For me, it was subtly declining pizza at a birthday party and munching down on chips and carrots with ranch. Later that became munching down on just carrots no ranch. Diet cokes were my drink of choice. Eating ice cream came with twinges of guilt, that only worsened as time went on.
And then there was that frappuccino.
It was always there, but out of my reach. What was stopping me from enjoying one with all of my friends? I didn't even know then. I just knew there were a lot of calories, and that meant I shouldn't have it. It's not an obviously dangerous thought, but it's a slippery slope. And one that I would do anything in my power to keep other young girls from sliding into.
So here's my questions for you for the day, and I hope you'll join the discussion and answer one below:
2) Is there any way to combat social media messages, ads, etc. that promote a certain body ideal?