Hey guys, I realize that not everybody shares the same views or morals when it comes to sex whether it be underage, out of marriage, or even outside of a committed relationship. If this post is starting to make you uncomfortable already (or if you're my dad or grandma reading this), you are of course free to sit this one out, but I encourage you to push past those feelings and ask yourself why the idea of sex is so scary? Why do we sometimes feel dirty talking about it or even reading about it? In today's discussion I want to address two things:
1) Scare tactics associated with sex: we need to reverse the way sex is portrayed to women
2) Self esteem and the big O: debunking myths about female pleasure
~Sex Is Not Scary~
Time to get a little personal: When I was fifteen, I started dating my first serious boyfriend. He was as "bad" as I was "good" and being with him made me feel alive. It was young, naive puppy love that maybe would be better labeled as puppy lust, and I was drunk on it. As the relationship got more serious, I remember an adult I love and trust telling me: "If you sleep with him he will break up with you."
Those words hit me like a ton of bricks.
They were followed by the commonly stated: "Boys only want one thing." "You're too young." "You're not ready." "Don't do it." etc. etc.
And this adult probably had a point. I was young, and I probably wasn't ready, but those are things that I should've come to myself through open conversation rather than having them pushed on me like a pillowcase full of fear. Every time I saw my boyfriend, from then on, I heard those words echoing in my head and I began to not trust not only him, but myself.
Eventually it got to the point that I did feel ready. A good amount of time had passed, we were in love (or so we thought at least at that age), and I wanted to take the next step. Only I didn't. I broke up with him instead, because I was afraid. Now let me just say this kid was not the love of my life by any means. We would not have ended up together. And maybe having sex with him would've been a mistake; maybe he would've broken up with me. But I was too afraid of my feelings, my body, and the words I'd been taught to believe to find out.
~"It's just not happening for me"~
The message seems pretty clear: female pleasure is too scary and inappropriate to show or even talk about. Except it's not. When it comes to sex, the unspoken understanding is that the guy "gets there" and more often than not, the girl fakes it. So many women, myself included, have been bombarded with messages their whole lives telling them to be sexy but innocent, have a tiny waist but giant breasts, make the right noises so he'll like it, do this so he'll like it, do that so he'll like it. There's not a whole lot of importance placed on female pleasure. And nobody talks about the giant elephant in the bedroom: that a lot of girls and women have been sexually active for months or years and never experienced an orgasm.
Flash forward to a few months ago. I'm in committed, monogamous relationship. We're in love. I'm more attracted to this man than I've ever been to anybody, and I trust him completely. But it's still not happening. Don't get me wrong the sex is good, great even, and I love being with him that way, but I'm still waiting for "it" to happen. I wanted it to happen. I wanted to feel that amazing thing that people talk about, rave about, gush about, etc. I wanted to know what it was like to feel like Carrie in Sex & The City after she did it with that mind-blowing Jazz player. I start to get frustrated (no pun intended). I start to wonder what's wrong with me. I feel like I can't talk to my boyfriend about it because I'm terrified of hurting his ego. I feel trapped and anxious and like it's my fault.
Ladies, if you ever find yourself feeling this way, please know that it is not your fault at all. You are not alone. I must've read hundreds of articles about women who were in their twenties, thirties, and even forties who had never had an orgasm. It didn't make me feel better about my situation, but it made me feel like less of a freak. In reality, there's nothing to be ashamed of. First of all, the vagina (yes I said the word vagina, let's move on y'all) is much harder to stimulate than the penis. In other words, it's just harder for girls to reach orgasm. It takes more time and effort. In addition to the additional technical difficulty, for many women reaching orgasm is like 95% mental. If you catch yourself body shaming your beautiful thighs or cute belly during sex, that could be contributing to your problem. I've been there. Being an eating disorder survivor, I have to work really damn hard at loving and accepting my body. It's most difficult during sex because that's when I'm completely exposed and vulnerable. One of the best things you can do for your sex life is learn to worship your body, because that's exactly that your partner will be during doing sex.
Next to loving your body, the best thing you can do to get closer to that magical moment is verbalize what you want. Tell your partner what's going on. It will help. You don't have to be prepared with an instruction manual or road map. Just talk about it. Be honest about what you're going through and emphasize that it isn't their fault either. Anyone who has an immature or angry reaction does not deserve to be enjoying your body anyways. You do not owe anybody that. You deserve to have your needs met.
Here's how mine got met.
I mustered up the courage one day to tell my boyfriend that as much as I loved being intimate with him, I never orgasmed the way he did. At this point I felt emotional and embarrassed and even guilty. He didn't once make it about him, didn't get frustrated or angry, and remained incredibly calm. He assured me that it would happen. That he was going to make it happen. We talked about some of my insecurities, my fears, why I thought it wasn't happening. And then that night... it did.
Maybe it was because I had gotten the validation I needed to be completely comfortable and let go. Maybe I just needed to commit to myself that I was going to prioritize my needs and not just someone else's. For whatever reason, it happened. It doesn't always and it's still harder for me than for him, but I feel confident now owning my sexuality. I realize female pleasure is beautiful. I celebrate it.
This post was tough to write guys. As much as I embrace my sexuality, as a woman, I'm still working towards being completely comfortable with it. I hope if you take anything from today's discussion it's this:
You're allowed to enjoy sex. Be safe. Be healthy. Love yourself.