This post is dedicated to my dad on his birthday. Thank you for showing me unconditional love and reminding me every day how proud you are of my recovery and my new, balanced outlook on life. I love you.
~Look who's eating THIS and not THAT!~
I became obsessed with swapping what I thought were "bad foods" AKA "that" for healthier alternatives, or "this". I carried the book with me everywhere to cross reference. My aunt began to joke at the family dinner table or when we went out to eat that I was eating "this" while she always ate "that". It was a harmless joke, cute even, and it stuck. She meant it as praise actually, and I looked forward to the reinforcement every time I passed on grandma's french toast or noodles. It was validation.
When I began eating the correct amount for my body and challenging my eating disorder with the delicious and normal foods I used to never allow near my plate, I was afraid everybody would notice. I remember being at a restaurant with my dad and my aunts, waiting to order, and feeling incredibly nervous that I would be asking for a cheese omelette with potatoes. I envisioned my aunt saying, "cheese!? carbs!? You're eating THAT instead of THIS!?" But that didn't happen. She said nothing. I doubt she even thought it.
In a way I felt like I was letting myself down, and letting down everyone's expectation of me as I began eating more fried and sweet foods, exercising less rigidly, and looking less bony. I knew I was losing my reputation as the health nut, and that bothered me for awhile. Every time I ate dessert, took from the bread basket, or ate anything really that wasn't veggies & lean protein, I felt self conscious. If you relate, all I can tell you is keep going at those fear foods especially if you've got an audience. In time it won't feel so uncomfortable. There's no magic potion or time machine to take you to the point when it becomes natural, but I guarantee it will.
~Next to the Can, but Not Down in the Dumps~
"You look so healthy now!!" he beams and just in saying it his whole face lights up.
And to my surprise, mine does too.
And it's not a forced smile that's on my face. It's not me trying to accept the idea of looking healthy, not skinny, for once. I'm not trying to be comfortable with his words or trying to remember that they're a compliment. I just know it. Hearing someone I love describe me as healthy feels good. To some, this won't sound like such a big deal. But to those who have suffered any type of eating disorder, it's ground breaking. Because being healthy means the eating disorder has lost, or is in the process of losing. It means not being one of the "special ones" anymore. It means finishing being known as "the skinny girl" and embracing being "the healthy girl".