Who brought me back to who I was before the eating disorder took over.
No matter how bad we fight sometimes, I'll never forget that you were in my corner when I took on the most important fight of all.
THERE ARE NO RE-DOS IN THIS LIFE, BUT IT'S BEEN SAID THAT BY TELLING THEIR STORIES WRITERS TASTE LIFE TWICE. THESE ARE MY STORIES REFLECTING ON ED, RECOVERY, FITNESS, INTUITIVE EATING, AND SELF-LOVE. I KNOW NOT EVERY WORD WILL BE DELICIOUS, AND I CAN NOT GO BACK AND SEASON MY EXPERIENCES DIFFERENTLY. BUT THIS SECOND TIME I TASTE THEM I WILL DO SO WITH A SPOON OF SUGAR IN MY HAND BECAUSE I'VE LEARNED THAT BEING HEALTHY CAN AND SHOULD BE OH SO SWEET. I HOPE I CAN INSPIRE YOU TO TASTE IT FOR YOURSELF.
For my mom, Who brought me back to who I was before the eating disorder took over. No matter how bad we fight sometimes, I'll never forget that you were in my corner when I took on the most important fight of all. 1) "Eat the whole egg" Because I once spent twenty minutes trying to convince her that I didn't want the yolk. Didn't need it. Tastes the same! Not worth wasting calories! Enter that 'mother knows best' logic. Eggs are so much better with yolks in them. And life is so much better when you don't fear things like egg yolks. 2) "Don't lose any more weight" Pretty self explanatory. Basic even. But for me, it was the last straw and my moment of clarity. Hearing my mom tell me not to lose any more really made me realize how sick I'd gotten. So for anyone who needs to hear it, to make it click - don't lose any more. 3) "Don't look in the mirror" When I complained (read: couldn't handle) bad body image days. Mom taught me that you don't have to love what you see on your body all the time. Self love doesn't happen overnight and lord knows it doesn't happen every day. Sometimes you just need to avoid mirrors until you feel better. That's ok. 4) "You can have the ice cream" I remember freaking out about buying Ben & Jerry's for the first time. Feeling like I shouldn't have it - like I couldn't. Turns out, I can. 5) "What feels out of control?" My mom is the one who knew what my eating disorder was about before I even did. Who knows what all eating disorders boil down to: control. So she would ask me, "What actually feels out of control right now? What is behind you trying to control your eating habits so rigidly?" It's not like I could answer that correctly at first, but knowing it was something real, something beyond the desire to stop eating or be thin helped. A lot. 6) "Call me" Call me when you feel a binge coming on. Call me when you feel yourself losing yourself. Call me when you're struggling. Just call me. 7) "It's going to be okay" Because sometimes you just need to hear it. Need someone to believe it for you so that you can try to accept it too. And if nobody has told you yet, it's going to be okay. You will survive this and you will thrive. 8) "Eat less processed food" It pained her to see me living off of rice cakes, protein powder, laughing cow wedges, 45 calorie bread, and sugar free gum. It pained me too, when I developed a mess of stomach problems. Again, mother knows best. 9) "Your feelings are valid" Even if they aren't rational. Even if they don't feel nice. Even if you need to cry for two hours or scream or drive nowhere until you run out of gas. Your feelings are always valid. 10) "I love you." While I can't ship my mama out to you for the day, I can tell you that in all the ways she was there for me - I am there for you. I love those of you I haven't met as much as those of you whom I know personally. And you will beat this.
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